XOXO

              I was in my classroom. Sitting almost at the centre of the room. My teacher was teaching something but I dint understand what she was teaching. I was hearing what she was saying but I couldn’t listen. My classmates were listening to her. It was a perfectly normal day. Nobody would have imagined how wrong that day could go.

I was watching the teacher teach so dramatically. Her hands were swinging from one side to another. Her head was nodding with the rhythm of her hands. Her eyes were rolling with the rhythm of her head. I turned around and saw all the students’ eyes were fixed on my teacher. Something was weird about her. Once again I turned back to my teacher. She wasn’t teaching dramatically now. Actually she was not teaching at all. She was standing perfectly still. Her eyes were staring directly into mine. There was no expression on her face. I felt that something is wrong with me. Maybe that’s why she was looking at me. I turned around and saw everyone in the class looking at me with the same dead expression on their face. I was scared. I saw the teacher’s face again. There was a small smile at the corner of her lips. Then I noticed that there was nobody in the room except for me and her. I closed my eyes because everything I was seeing changed every second. I was confused and completely scared.

            
               I opened my eyes. I was in the classroom but now I was sitting in the first row. She was standing right in front of me. Her eyes were still fixed into mine. Now there was a wider smile on her face. I looked down and saw her having a knife in her hand. I pushed the table in front me over her and started running from that room. She immediately pushed the table away and started chasing me. I was running in the corridors. She was chasing right behind me. She was screaming madly and chasing me. My heart was beating so fast. I dint have a single second to think about what was going on at that moment. All I knew was to keep running. My body automatically did that. But I reached the end of the corridor. There were stairs going down. I wanted to climb down it but I came there running in such a speed that I fell off the stairs. I was rolling down the stairs. I was screaming in pain and fear. She was standing in the top corridor and laughing like a ghost. My eyes weren’t seeing anything now. But I could hear myself screaming at the top of my voice.

              
                 Next second I opened my eyes. Everything was completely dark. I was still screaming but I couldn’t hear my voice. I could feel my mouth screaming but there was no noise. I could feel the bed in which I was lying but I couldn’t see a thing. I stopped screaming. I started wondering where I was. Although it was utterly dark, I could figure out few things. One, I was lying on a bed. Two, there was a wall to my left. That was my hostel room. I knew it was the bed I slept few hours before. I must have dreamt everything.  I knew the switch board was only an arm’s length above my head. I could just lift myself a bit and switch on the lights. I got up a bit and I heard my door banging. A female voice was asking me to open the door. I straightened myself against the wall and I was still on my bed. I couldn’t reach the switchboard because it was next to the door and the voice was coming from that direction.

             
             At that moment, something struck my mind. That was my mother’s voice. It’s a usual thing. Every time I used to have a bad dream, I would scream and my mother would come and sleep in my room. That was my mother at the door. I called out “amma”. Now I heard my own voice in my ears. Then I heard my mother’s voice outside the door asking me to open it. I reached out towards the door. Then I realized I was in my hostel room, more than thousand miles away from my home. A single thought made me bounce back to the wall in a second. In the next second, the voice outside changed. It was louder and it was banging my door harder. I couldn’t see anything in the pitch darkness and the voice made my heart skip every second beat. Then everything went silent. Next moment, the window in front of me burst open and the moon light splashed inside my room like a car headlight. She burst inside my room. I saw her eyes and closed mine.

            
                I was screaming at the top of my voice. But this time I could hear my own screaming. I could feel everything – the noise of my screaming, the fear which was making my whole body shiver. I opened my eyes. It was again pitch dark. I was lying on my bed. I could feel the wall against my left hand. This time I dint wait to think. I reached out and switched on the lights. I felt like I have finished a hundred meter race and I could start breathing then.  Finally my eyes could see something real. I saw my room. I was panting on my bed. I told myself everything was just a dream. It actually was just a dream. It took me few minutes to calm myself down. Then I lied down. I dint dare to switch off the lights. I closed my eyes. I could feel the warmth of the light on my eye lids. But the rest of my body became suddenly cold. Then I felt something really cold hit my forehead. Everything then came back to normal temperature. I was completely aware of myself but I dint open my eyes. I dint know when I slept after that, that night.

Full moon

          The full moon is shinning right above my head. I am sitting on a long staircase. I have a thick blanket around me. Still the coldness of the night makes me shiver both inside and outside. I am waiting for him. With every passing moment of the night my heart is beating faster and faster. Will I see him again? What will I do if I don’t see him again in my life? The bigger question is what will I do if I did SEE him?

                       

          It was a huge ancient fort. Thousands of people were sleeping like bask of crocodiles. My friends were sleeping behind a huge pillar. I couldn’t sleep after that horrifying calamity. I started walking around. I saw some people at corners crying. Some were simply staring at empty space. I came out of the fort. I saw volunteers carrying corpses. Some carrying wounded bodies. Looking at each body I prayed to god. I shouldn’t see his handsome face on those lifeless corpses. My prayers were fulfilled. I continued walking. I don’t want to see anymore of them. I was walking in a long lonely street. Tall buildings were standing melancholy on both sides. I saw a volunteer coming in opposite direction. He warned me not to go any further and return back to fort. I ignored him. I continued walking.

                       

         I joined the company two years back. It was the first time I saw him. He was there to conduct orientation program for four new employees including me. He was in formals with a tie like any other normal corporate geek. But I guessed he would be Mr. POPULAR of the company. I was just staring at him and didn’t listen to a word he said. He was walking us around the office and explained everything in a gentle polite manner. Yet I thought he was very masculine. It was as if he was listening to me. He suddenly stopped talking. He looked at me. His face was expressionless. It was the first time our eyes met each other. My thoughts went blank. After few seconds his eyes moved away from mine. Both of us suddenly realized others were staring at us. He continued his program as if nothing happened. Everyone’s attention was back on him. Nobody bothered much about it. That incident happened just for four or five seconds. But I couldn’t forget that moment. I played it over and over again in my mind. I was trying to read his mind at that moment. But I couldn’t decipher anything. Our eyes never met again during that presentation. Even if it did accidentally he would shift it in a millisecond.

   

        From that day onwards I started learning more about him. I was right he was a popular guy in the company. He was a very sociable person. He had friends in all the departments. Even my friends became close to him. We started going out on group dates with our common friends.  But he never spoke to me. It was very weird. Once in a while we end up together alone during parties or outings. Every time when we are alone he keeps staring at me. No words. No expression. I had a feeling he was trying say something or read something in my eyes. But there was only awkward silence. He would then turn his head away. He must be angry about something I did. Or afraid of something about me. But why should he be angry or afraid. I never spoke anything wrong to him. I would have hardly said four or five hi-hello-byes.

      

        He broke up with his girlfriend a month after I joined. All the girls started stalking him from then on. Everybody wanted to be his friend. I thought he was just a weirdo. But I always wanted to know what he was thinking when he was staring at me. I don’t know why I counted this but he dated twenty six girls in the past two years. I felt weirder because he never made a conversation with me not even in a formal way. I don’t understand him. He was so different when he was around others. For the past three months he is in relationship with my best friend. So we get to meet more often because he accompanies her everywhere. So there was more awkwardness between us. But nobody noticed that because when we were in a group we keep ourselves busy with others.

     Today morning, seven of us including me, my best friend, her boyfriend and his friends came to this river bank for weekend. It was when there was an earthquake in the sea which made the river overflow. Hundreds of people in the nearby villages were running for life after the initial rise in the river. Warning bells and drums were screaming along with hundreds of people. We started running along with them. There were some trucks waiting for us near a bridge. We were running towards them. For a moment I turned around and saw both the sea and the ­­­­river rushing towards us swallowing fields, trees and houses. We rushed towards the trucks.  There wasn’t space for everyone. Four of us climbed a truck. He and two of his friends went to check out other vehicles. Trucks started moving. People who couldn’t get into the vehicles started running behind the trucks. But he was standing there near the bridge with his friends. He was saying something to them but his eyes were fixed in the direction of the truck. I knew it was his usual look.   

      The truck took us to a fort. Thousands of people from different directions were dumped into that fort. Ngos and government people were helping the people. They distributed blankets and food. We registered our friends’ names under missing people list. We waited for them along with others. Noise of the crying people made me sick. After the sun set they said the river was calm. Officials sent six boats to rescue the survivors. After few hours, a boat returned with twenty people. Most of them were badly hurt. But our friends weren’t among them. I inquired them and found out that there were still many who were coming behind.

        I was walking in the long lonely street. The road was wet and dirty with all sorts of things. I took every step carefully. The street was so long. It seemed to have no end. It got colder and colder as I moved forward. I saw my feet getting wet and noticed that I was walking in ankle deep water. It was getting deeper as I walked. So I stopped and waited there. Initially there was dead silence over the vicinity. My whole body was dumb with coldness but my mind was wandering over my memories of him. He was a mystery which I never solved.

          I saw a boat coming towards me. Few meters away from me, it stopped and ten to fifteen people stood up. They started walking away from the boat as it disappeared into darkness. Some were carrying the injured on their shoulders. I stood like a statue in the ankle depth water. They walked passed me towards the fort. I saw each face with utter concentration but none was his. When my heart sank in sadness, I saw a dark figure walking towards me from the place where the boat stopped few minutes ago. It was him. Though I couldn’t see his face, I knew it was him. He was completely wet but not hurt. He was now close enough for me to see his face. At that moment, I remembered. I remembered seeing the same face. I knew what was weird between us all this time. I remembered everything as if it happened the day before.

            The full moon is shinning right above my head. I am sitting on a long staircase. I have a thick blanket around me. Still the coldness of the night makes me shiver both inside and outside. I am waiting for him. With every passing moment of the night my heart is beating faster and faster. Will I see him again? What will I do if I don’t see him again in my life?

            It was a huge fort built few years back for the safe hiding of women and children during the war times. Hundreds of women and children were brought here few days back. My entire family was sleeping behind a huge pillar. I couldn’t sleep knowing that he was out there somewhere fighting for our people. I stood up and started walking. I saw the injured soldiers being carried to the fort by few soldiers. I was examining each face carefully. I prayed to god I shouldn’t see his handsome face on any of those injured ones. My prayers were fulfilled. I kept walking until I reached the end of the forest. The forest was so dark. But I saw a dark figure coming out of it. I couldn’t see the face but I knew it was him. He looked tired and exhausted but not hurt. He was now close enough for me to see his face.

            He looked happy to see me. So was I. Neither of us spoke anything for few minutes. I took the blanket from my shoulders and gave it to him. He covered himself with that. Then we started walking towards the fort. Still we dint say a word. But it wasn’t the usual awkward silence. We were comfortable in each other’s company. The silence around us was like an unknown beautiful romantic song which was very familiar.   

public notice

Sometimes when you see an awesome dancer, you would think that you should learn to dance like that person but eventually you would analyse the practicality of that thought and shelve it in a corner of your brain. This mainly happens when you see someone with a guitar. In the same way, I got this thought when I started reading awesome books. The thought of me writing ‘something’ was really exciting but at the same time it was really scary. I had never written ‘anything’ worth reading before. So I started writing in my journal everyday which I never showed to anybody. I really enjoyed writing for myself. I dint really care whether it had poetic or literary devices. All I wrote was what was in my mind.

Then I started this blog to give my writing a technical up gradation. But still I wasn’t ready to share my thoughts with anyone else. So I kept this blog private. Then today I read one of my own posts. I have said that if you don’t have the guts to say something on the face of someone, then you shouldn’t say it at all. I don’t really know how it is related to my situation but I just decided to make this blog open to anyone to read. I am now open to criticism or any feedback which I may receive. so,

                                                                

I hereby officially invite everyone to read my blog and let me know what you think about it.

First time

When you do or feel something for first time, it will always have a special place in your heart. It may be good or bad but it will haunt you forever. I remember the first time I travelled in a bus alone. First journey in train. First time when I spoke in a mike. First day in school after I had a short haircut. First day in Delhi alone in my pg. first day in college. And so on.  

The most special one is the first crush. I don’t really know how he looks now but I remember his 10 year old face as if I have just seen him yesterday. When I look at someone cute on the road, I would remember him. So there is not a single day in past ten years (I had my first crush when I was nine, though I dint really understand what it was at that time.) that have passed without me thinking about him. I want to clarify here that it is not love. It is just a special feeling about him which is (and will be) haunting me.

When I joined a co-ed college after studying in a girl’s school for 4 years, I told myself that I would keep my adrenaline levels under control. I don’t want to be a shy girl who would flinch every time a guy talks to her. To a great extent I kept to my word. There was a guy in my class who became one of my good friends over the past few weeks. My classmates were teasing me with him because he was from my state. But I was totally indifferent towards him. I have no what-ever feeling for him. But yesterday something weird happened to me for the first time. We were talking and he said he got some funny message from my best friend. Then he continued talking but all I could hear was blah-blah. My best friend and he were not that close but still I was jealous. For the first time I felt jealousy because of a guy. And I dint like that feeling. It made me sick. Both these people are my good friends and this feeling just makes me want to puke. I may forget about him or this incident in few months but I may always have to remember this feeling. As I said ‘first times’ may be good or bad but it will haunt you forever.

Stereotypes

I have heard people saying south Indians are narrow minded people but it is really disheartening to see my own friends being that way. I get it. They are from small towns where girls and boys don’t talk much to each other. But this is Delhi. National capital. And this is 21^st century. They are acting as if they are from five generations back.

“they” here means people(girls) from Salem, Thirupur, Erode and Coimbatore. Though I had great (and close)Hindi-speaking friends, I liked spending time with those who spoke my language. But lately I am feeling really embarrassed to be around them. They talk bad about people in Tamil just because they don’t understand it. What they don’t get it is their tone gives away what they are intending. I think if you don’t have the courage to say something on the face of someone, then you should never say it. What they were doing was cheap and coward.

 Another irritating thing they do is gossiping in groups when they see some girl talking to a boy. I don’t know when these people are going to open their eyes and see things differently. If girls confine themselves to their gender then how will there be gender equality in our country.

I know I can’t do anything to change them. It’s the way they are brought up. All I can do right now is to put some distance between me and these guys.